Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
