He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
