There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
