my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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