She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
