does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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