You just made me feel so damn special
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
