So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
