The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
