My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
