I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
