The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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