You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
