Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I met the friendliest cop last night
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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