so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
