Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
