At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
