I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
