We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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