Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
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As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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