Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
