I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
