u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
