So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
