I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
