So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I enjoy the company of your penis
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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