i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
ugly people sure do ruin things
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
