Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
