Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
