Dude my mom stole all your condoms
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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