In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
