i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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