Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
