I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
