cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
