i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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