How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
