Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
