just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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