I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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