PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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