You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
