3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
