Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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