I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
