i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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