just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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