I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
