How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's shark week go big or go home
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
