I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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