There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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