Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
