I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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