It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There r osticjed everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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