It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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