Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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