you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
