the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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